Personal experience taught me a lot about feelings. Contrary to what I've always believed growing up, some of those feelings that's classified as "negative" are a normal and understandable feelings. Kids, especially here in the US are mostly raised and conditioned to feel nothing but comfortable and happy. Parents would also try to surround their kids (and pre-teen) with a happy, playful person. Rarely does a parent or adults encouraged kids to feel those sad, confuse, hurt or defeated feelings. Left alone teaching them how to face those feelings and how to deal with people who is on that mode of feelings.
Most kids instinctively know that when people cry, they need nothing but a hugs. Sadly though, those instinct are gone once they grow up.
Being defeated here doesn’t mean I’m already dead. Not even necessarily mean that I’m dying. I don’t know yet if I am or I am not. It has been a long and stressful year. And since they say there has only been 4 people that have the kind of cancer that I have, nobody can tell me for sure what to expect.
I didn’t understand what I feel in the beginning, battling a rare case of sclerosing Mucoepidermoid Carcinoma in the lung and then living with one lung, but the more I think about it, the more I think I understand. Having major illness changed my body and my life without my consent makes me feel defeated.
I feel defeated as in I know that a visit to Doctors, specialists, clinics or hospitals is a must despite the fact that I hate it. And everything that comes with it, the copays, the day-off off work, the deductions, that’s also unavoidable.
Defeated as in I know my body is no longer able to perform as good as it was regardless of how much I push myself.
Defeated as in no matter how I pretend that I am ok and how normal I look, I am not.